The children all nestled and snug in their bed.....

The kids are all in bed, snuggled up tight and now that the weekend has calmed into the night and i am left with the silence of this room and the crickets outside my window I have time to reflect on the things I have been suppressing through the weekend. My son is five, ready for kindergarten... I have come to acknowledge and accept that there is some love you can't hold on to no matter how hard you try... I have committed myself to four classes and the hope to have an AA in Photography and some day a career. That my girls are growing into young women, faster then I could ever want or thought of. Last and not least that Christmas is quickly approaching. Its weird to me because not to many years ago this holiday used to be my favorite holiday, the lights, the trees, hot cocoa, present wrapping, stockings hung on a wall or fireplace, Santa.... The whole idea of family around a tree, playing games, singing Christmas carols and eating food just warmed my heart and made me happy. Don't get my wrong seeing my children wake up for Santa and rip open presents with the biggest smiles ever makes me so happy but having to let them go, to know I will sit in this house and have know one to share the moments when they aren't here. TO know exactly who I want to share those moments with, deep heartily knowing that vision isn't felt in return. Its heart breaking. So after all this writing and a strong commitment to not wallow in this heartache anymore, I have decided to really dive in this year. Christmas pictures, decorating inside and outside of the house with the kids, Christmas tree decorating with songs and cookie making, and really indulging in seeing all the lights and sharing the traditions of Christmas with my kids.... I will find the strength to love this holiday even if I have to learn to love it all over again by myself. So tomorrow Christmas tree hunting... and learning to feel life through my own skin with my new life and healing this broken heart.... I will post pictures tomorrow of the kids and I hunting for the perfect tree. Until then I will leave you with this....