Midnight Blues....

Midnight blues... Okay not really midnight but tenish blues just didn't sound right!!!! After a bottle of Champagne and a good night with my best friend you would think the only thing I could feel is good right... but as I drove home tonight my mood began to fade from energetic and funny to down right depressed. I drove in to my parking a lot that I knew again held the empty spot that I hoped one day would be surprisingly filled with a familiar car, took the keys out of the ignition and put them into the door to walk into the silent empty home, no one to come home to, no one to welcome me home, or say how much they missed me and if for by some chance I ignored all that as I walked up the stairs to change my clothes and climb into the empty bed that once held the arms that made me feel complete, I knew I couldn't ignore that. So I did the only thing I felt I could, with determination not to contact her of course... I pulled out my laptop to write to you all. I don't know how many times a day I here are you dating anyone, have you found that special someone, whats wrong with you Lisa you seem like such a nice girl? Then I hear well you have time, your special someone is just out there looking for you, you have plenty of time! What scares me is that who knows how much time I have, I know that everyday goes by and my heart is empty, that each moment could be my last and what scares me is that I could never feel in my whole life the way I did when I was with her.... What if that was it! What if the fact that I wasn't good enough for her, lost the only chance at true happiness? What if I didn't try hard enough or didn't give enough of myself, what did i do wrong? Why is it that people give up on people, why do we just quit and think this is too hard. Why is it we give and give and give and then just wake up one day and the person you gave it all to decides that you aren't enough? I hate this bed and its memories, these walls and their stories. I hate that in every room I can see her and I hate even more that it doesn't effect her the same way. If I could shut off this mind and just sleep I would but even with this champagne in my system and being completely exhausted all I can do is yearn for the unreachable. I know in my heart its over, I know not to be bitter and to cherish our memories but the pain is bold and the heart is aching for her arms to be around me, her breath on my neck, her smell in my room and her love all around me. As I let these feelings overwhelm me and a tear runs down my face, I know that my heart has been down this road so many times I can see it without my eyes being open and yet it doesn't seem any easier. I want to only know what love is without hurting, to be able to give myself completely and know someone is taking it and wanting to give that back. But how do you let that vision develop when all you see is one person as the one for you. God please help me find strength to let go, to know she is where she needs and wants to be and that by letting go of this pain, I am not letting go of her but setting myself free to heal and love again. Where ever she is please protect her, give her all the love and support she needs, bring her happiness and companionship and someone who she can love and accept into her heart.