Once upon a time......

Have you ever walked down the street and seen someone who once upon a time played an important role in your life and looked the other way? Pretended they didn't exist or that you didn't even see them? Ever picked up the phone to call that person and hung up or sat sad because you wish you could just hear their voice but didn't? Of course I am not talk about those crazy ones in High School that was better left there or that stalker one night stand from the bar (lol) but people you loved, maybe dried your tears, or held your hand, laid next to you in bed and told you were the one. Its amazing how people come in and out of your life,how once upon a time romantically or friendly they were your someone special somewhere down that road. How many people pass each other or go along in life like that person isn't living somewhere out there in the world. Don't get me wrong I know life moves forward, people change, grow, move on but I do also know that in your heart you always have that spot where those memories exist and maybe in most case that's where they should stay but so many times in my sleepless moments at night (lol) I look back over lost relationships, love, friendships even family and I think about where maybe I could have repaired broken roads. Mostly I have to let go cause sometimes there are no answers or repair that can be done but sometimes there is a glimpse of hope, a instant message from a new friend, an email from an old one, a call from a long lost love those moments that make you believe that memories, people are worth holding onto. More recently in my life I have looked back and I see a woman I fell in love with and held onto for so long, really even when we were apart we never seemed to really let go (i know you have all felt that before that first love, or random spark that you held on to in hope that one day... well just for one day) or ever been able to even be in the same city and not want to see each other but now we have come back to a point where we could make it happen and for some reason we can't or won't and i have come to see and astonishly know that I have come to this road where I so desperately want to hold on to this woman passing me by and I convinced myself that if I did hold on tight enough, long enough that I could love her enough for both of us and that she would come to me. Over the last few really hard months I realize that no matter what hold I wanted to have I realized I had none at all. That the only hold I have is the one in my heart and that the only thing holding us together is my hold and that as soon as I realeased it she would be gone and she was, I let go and she stopped calling, texting needing me. I can't give her the strength she needs to fill her holes in her heart But what I do have is the strength to fill in the holes in mine! I love this quote from one of my Favorite movies "The Notebook" and really it says it all for me right now Noah writes this letter to Allie when he thinks he has lost her and he released his hold on the hope that she would come back to him, this is my closure to my hole in my heart "I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you." I want to look at her in my future and know that where ever we are that I love or loved her with all that I am and that smiling and remembering as we pass each other on the street is sacred to the moments we spent together and that silently I am honoring those moments. I finally realized that no matter what she has going on there or how far she pushes me away I can honor our memory in my heart and know that love did exist and love our memory. Sometimes the best thing you can do is honor a relationship and then set it free.....

I was talking to a friend the other day about searching for what we want, what we have built up in our minds as the perfect romance since we were little girls and how sometimes you search and search for that perfect romance whether in a woman or a man and you get lost in the search. I think that love can be found anywhere, that sometimes we get so caught up in looking for the dream, the happily ever afters that we forget that all we really need to find is happiness with in ourselves and that love can come from a new friend, an old one, in a woman or in a man, in a family member but most all to be able to find love within yourself and being comfortable with giving that love and stop the believing that we aren't complete without a man or women loving us. I think that we should hold on when we have it, but remember that we are still someone even we don't have it, remember to treasure the friends and loved ones we have and know in your heart that love will find you when its meant to be. I want to love myself... I want to love enough to hold on to the hope of rekindled friendships and the hope of new ones, the comfort of everlasting friendships and family that have stuck through it all with you, the unexpected future that could hold a million amazing moments that take your breath away & that true love is out there waiting to sweep me off my feet when I least expect it! Until then I will curl up in bed with this computer and a glass of wine, soft music and all of you and know that I am inspired with every word I write, encouraged by the amazing friends I have, the new ones I will meet & embracing the future with a new set of eyes knowing that every new story should start out with loving yourself and Once upon a time......