17....

So I spoke to my father today. I was so nervous but completely filled with joy to find out nothing was really as it seemed all these years. I have found that I have a brother, and a niece and I am so excited about the prospect of building a new relationship with all of them. Its amazing how you can see things thru only one prospective for so long and in an instant something that seem so permanent in your life changes and makes a new impression on the road you set ahead. For as long as I can remember I thought this day would never come, but here it is. I am thankful for having an amazing dad for as long as I did and he will always be just that in my heart but feel so thankful that my father has found his way back to me(or maybe that I dragged him back with my email lol) either way he is here and willing to be apart of my life. So 17 in my list is crossed off Call my father.

17. Call my Father

Wishing on a star.....

You can wish all you want upon the first star you see at night but it doesn't mean that those wishes will come true, but it sure does make you appreciate the ones that do! I write to you tonight to remind you of each precious moment with your family and friends. That life is too short to let words go unsaid, for hearts to be cold and alone or to bury yourself in unfinished business. The statement that you will miss the moments you take for granted are all to true for me tonight. I wish tonight that I embrace every moment, every adventure I encounter with my kids, friends, family and loved ones. I hope you do too!

Can I add a 33??????

Today, I did something scary and crazy, I thought why not look up my real father on facebook, thinking there is no way that he would be on it. So surprise surprise he is! In major shock and to say honestly maybe a little light headed effecting my ability to thinking normally I emailed a woman on there that I thought might be his sister. I haven't' talked to anyone from that side of my family (if that's the right word) since I was 18. The woman that I thought was his sister, is his cousins wife, She informed me that my father, grandma and extended family are all doing quite well and that there is a large amount of them. However, while she was updating me on the status of this family, she never once asked me who i was. So I politely thanked her for the update and said I am very excited for how well everyone is doing, but did she know who i was? No answer.... Now I am stuck, I am sure I have brothers, sisters, maybe even nieces and nephews that I don't know, a father, grandmother, aunts and uncles and a large amount of cousins, yet the last time I tried to talk to my father my grandmother told me he wanted nothing to do with me, he had moved on and he was happy. Do I take that chance to be rejected or do I walk away knowing they are all happy and healthy? What do i do?

33. Find biological Father

So......

So......

Time with Family really gets you to thinking, Life is so precious , every moment is a memory your creating for yourself, your friends, your children all just logging in that day to the memory bank and it becomes something you look back on when your a little older or in a spark of a conversation. This year as I was holding my sons hand and watching the fireworks in the sky, I thought about how quickly life has changed from last year to this year, in and out of love, lost love, children aged another year, I aged another year, graduations, babies, death, holidays, so much has happen and so much has just slipped through my fingers, fallen in the cracks per say. I thought about how badly I hold one person dear to my heart, how somewhere out there that person is watching different set of fireworks, looking at the same sky and for life of me I have no idea if I cross that persons mind. Lost in that moment my sons squeezes my hand and he pulls me down and says "Mommy you know what is the best about this day?" I said "What baby, what is so good about this day?" He pulled me closer and said " You" and he gave me a big kiss. He in that very second reminded me that where I was is just as important as where I dream to be, that whatever mistakes I made, whatever has kept me away from where my heart longs to be gave me him, Shelby and Kayla, I remembered that Independence is something I have longed for my whole life, to be able to feel comfortable just being me, that someone will see me for who am i am and know that they wouldn't change anything about my life because my three kids are what make ups so much of me. I remember that now is the time to find my strength, to recompose the elements that are me, achieve my goals and love me whether my soul mate is here or not. This weekend, this independence day I realized that this is the start of creating a stronger me, with more self worth and determination in this life then ever presented before. I hope that where ever Arizona may be, whatever she maybe doing, I hope she has found happiness, strength and knows that I wish her only the best.

I start my list tomorrow I hope to start knocking one off every week.... Wish me luck! :)

hmmm......

Its all but amazing to me when my mind starts wondering to all the life lessons I have accomplished in my 32 years of life!!! Yeah I said it 32, Oh I know readers its hard to believe that this hot mess is 32 but she is.. lol OK come now seriously 32 years and I feel like I am still trying to figure out what I was meant to do. I always thought growing up the my destiny was to be a mother and a wife and maybe to a certain extent that is apart of my destiny, However it appears that I didn't do so hot on the wife part and the mom part well I am still working on that hoping that I don't screw that up to. Oh I know that really my divorce was what people would typically call not my fault but I am sure I played more then my roll making it down that bumpy road. I accept my part in that road, as I do every failed attempt so far at love (Arizona), and I have so many regrets, so many things I wish I can go back and undo but I can't. So tonight as I sit here writing to what maybe my one or two readers who glimpse at this after I email the reminder that I have updated it, I say this what are we to do with our lives for those of us that don't know that is, the rest of you who have got it all figured out please fill me in with your wisdom. Believe me I enjoy being the mother of three beautiful kids, I love my job (for the most part), I love my art(if that's what you call it) but still i feel like I have a whole bunch of half completed projects and not enough accomplishments. So what i say to you my fearless readers is this I want to start a list 32 things to do before I am 33 which is really about 9 months, maybe these things will help me find some completion in parts of my life while the broken parts of me start to heal. So this is what I have come up with:

1. Photograph landscape
2. Go to Hollywood.
3. Meet my goal weight
4. Karaoke
5. Paint
6. Sign up for a creative writing class
7. Dance under the moon.
8. Go to an Art Show
9. Take my kids to the snow
10. Go see my mom.
11. Drive and don't look back
12. Skinny dip
13. Do something scary
14. Go on a blind date
15. Do Family Photos
16. Start applying money in my savings account
17. Call my Father
18. Go see the Grand Canyon
19. Go on vacation with the kids
20. Let go of what doesn’t want to be in my life
21. Build a sand castle with my kids
22. Send My mom pictures of my kids
23. Forgive
24. Start Family night with the kids
25. Organize my closet
26. Have my palm read
27. Use my treadmill
28. Learn to play an instrument
29. Create art
30. Start my book
31. be impulsive
32. Fall in love with life again


Okay there it is wish me luck! I will keep you updated as I start to cross them off, and I will start blogging more often.

Life silly signs

Its all to much when you turn on the radio and you hear "the song" or when you turn on the tv to find a movie that you once shared!!! These things that I believe are gods little signs are marking me unbelievably today... Everywhere I look sign and after sign! So what I have decided is that maybe they are signs testing my endurance??? I am weak for sure... I let the signs get to me and text the past that has let go of me, to no suprise there was no response... Another sign!!!! Hmmm life's silly signs! Today I am accepting what I cannot change, praying for what can, loving my children and acknowledging wht I have control over!!! Today I believe in me and the almighty power of better signs :) come serendipidty work your magic ;) :)

Its all to familar....

It's all to familiar this moment I am in once again, just when you think you have kicked all that life has thrown at you god decides you can handle a little more. I am alone, again... rotting in the choice I made and some that were made for me. My belief in the fight for love and the idea that someone can touch you so deeply and you touch them so deeply to fight for anything to be together has failed me yet again. I have to close down this 10 year old fantasy that love exists the same as in movies or novels and realize that love these days is all to tough to find. I am alone and for once I truly feel OK with it. I know I gave my all and although My heart aches sometimes for the what ifs and the how can's but reality is the people I left behind in the last few months just needed something more then I can give. What does that say about me? Am I strong for acknowledging my weakness and letting go, am I weak for not trying harder or giving more. Will I live to regret some moments and the words I chose to use in those moments or will i accept them and move forward with pride and dignity. Love is such a foolish game so many boundaries and expectations, you don't just fall in love anymore with candles and bubble baths, romantic walks on the beaches and undying commitment. As much as i dream i can't wait for that fairytale to come true anymore, cause reality is it probably just won't. God is testing me, as he has so many times in the past, I don't know how strong he thinks I am or what his plan is for my future but I hope he intends on showing me soon. I pray that i have the strength to hold and the desire to grow waiting for his path to appear.
I have come to the reality that until my kids are grown i very well maybe alone. I have to accept myself who I am and what i have to offer. I think the best deserves to go to my children as I do every day. I hope that in the process that just because I don't have love in my life that I can still show them that love is worthy and does exist, that I can encourage them into loving relationships and be the mother they look up to an run too in hard times and good. I hope that alone I can bring them all they need and want and raise them to good adults. I worry sometimes that i get lost inside my own heart in mind that i lose sight of what's right in front of me the three things god has given me that are consistent and unwavering. They love me unconditionally and with no boundaries. Good and bad they take my with no doubts or regrets. To them I am a women who is worthy of loving and what else matters but that. ONE day, someone will look at me and see the same thing, a women worthy of loving, fighting for, caring, sharing, and living life for and with. One day someone will take me with the "baggage" I have now and from my past and say their isn't anything that keep me from loving you, nothing we can't conquer and nothing I won't stand by your side to get thru... One day......
Here I am again in this room in the dark all to familiar with the emotions in my soul searching for the light at the end of this narrow hall and saying in my head please god One Day.....

what we want...

When we are little we dream about the day when we be all we write about in our journals... some of us want to grow up to mommy's or wives, some of us want to business women or actress some of us, want to be doctors or lawyers, whatever your dream is you count down the days till that is what you get. Life skips days to years and suddenly you all grown up and if your lucky living your dream. What happens, when you get what you want and the vision you played out doesn't turn out to be what you had in mind. What happens when your standing outside the window of your life looking into see something you never imagined. When I was growing up I invisioned always being a mother and a wife, I wanted so badly to feel needed and wanted and unconditionally loved that i ached for it. Now at 31, I am divorced with three beautiful babies and I am standing outside my window of life wondering why? Why has life brought me here. Why can't I have my babies and love, Why does it seem no matter how hard I try, I can't touch the one thing that reaches my soul. When you love someone, so much that what they do or don't do cannot effect your love for them, you wonder why god wouldn't place you in the area to be with that person. You can beg for love, you can hunt for it but what do you do when you know you have it, you feel it, but you can't reach it. I am standing outside my window, wondering what did i do to deserve to be alone, to not give this love i have in my heart, what did I do to live this life without all that happiness that is given to people who don't even deserve it. Why? I have reached again for the unreachable and maybe i will keep reaching until I get it, I just hope that I wont' be standing outside my window always looking at what I could have had but that I actually get to live the life I see for myself. To all of you who already have love, who are with their soulmates living the life of your dreams hold on to it, cherish it because its so rare to actually get all you hope for in life. My dream partially came true I am a mommy and I am loved and needed unconditionally by them and I give them all of me! For now they are enough.

DAY 1 OF FINDING MYSELF.......

For Christmas a couple years back my Aunt got me a book called Life lessons for women. Its basically chapters on reconnecting with yourself and who you are... So instead of pouring out my usual sappy, romantic, kind of pathetic hold on a love life that doesn't exist I thought I would share these steps with you. I will Journal my entries each day and hopefully improve with each blog... but if you know me I can sometimes hold myself back but new year, new thoughts, new me!!!

Chapter 1 Re-Collect yourself

K their are quotes like these the beginning of each lesson...

Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in the world. by Lucille Ball

Pre lesson- the first little sections talks about learning to love yourself, that you sometimes have to not depend on other people to tell your beautiful or notice you for all your give. The activity was to right yourself a love letter... this one was really hard for me in fact when I first got this book, this part made me put the book down, cause I couldn't pass this section. So I am gonna give it a try again... here it goes!!

Dear Lisa,
I know that life seems tough, but what I can promise you is that their is no one on this earth that loves you more then me, I will always stand beside you, encourage you, and never abandon you! Your an amazing mother, you love your children with all that you have inside you, proof is in the way I see them look at you every night when you tuck them into bed. No one can love you the way those three angels do, and they always will love you Lisa, embrace that everyday. I look in your eyes and see the beauty that you cannot see when your sad and alone but your in there just waiting to burst out and make your appearance just believe and you will see it too. I am inspired by your courage, love and hope for passion and the happily ever afters, hold on to that even when it hurts, they are good traits. I love the girl who makes up her own words, dances in the living room when no one is home, sings in the car like she's a rock star, clumsy as hell and dangerous in the kitchen and cares more about everyone else then she does herself... when you think about it, its inspiring really. I know your soul has been broken but with each breath we take together, we will heal, we will grow and we will live life for us. Your an amazing, caring women with so much to give from your heart. Love will find us again, until then you have all you need right here inside your heart.

Love,
Your Soul

So Lesson #1

Take stalk in your life... It says to love oneself is like building a life long romance that cannot be broken... To build you and a life you love, it says the first step is to take a look at how you got to where you are and the connecting thread that holds all the pieces together. The book says to look back at your accomplishments, passions and priorities. Review what truly matters and what has made you who you are....

Activity: Answer the following questions...

What do you love?
I love my kids, photography, my family, my friends.

What are your core beliefs and values?
My beliefs are the fairytale... in love and relationships,
My values are strong family connections, honesty, trust, communication
being a good person and teaching my children to be good people

How do I create a life that fits who I am now, not who I have been?
I am not sure on this one because for I have been trying to fit my life into a page of my past believing that giving your heart and soul to someone and not giving up on them or love is what life was about. Now I am not sure who I am now or what my life i suppose to be, but ready for the journey of self discovery and learning to love myself and the life I deserve.

Lesson #2 Recognize your strengths

This one says that you can not put your focus on your flaws or shortcomings (totally me) you have to recognize our strengths and talents and positive qualities and realize the everyone you loved, every mistake you made, everything you have done, every obstacle you have overcome is part of the women you are today. Its says that I have to love myself in a whole and appreciate and love all of me and stop robbing myself of my best days dwelling on my worst.

Activity:

What are three things I have accomplished in my life that I'm proud of?

My Childhood
Graduating from High School
My Children


What are five of my strengths, talents and positive qualities? (it says I have them but It took me a long time just to come up with these...)

Being a good mom
photography
giver
strength
survivor


How do I use my gifts and strengths in everyday life?

I take care of my children, with all that I have good or bad... I give them all I have.

Starting school for photography, doing shoots on the side to practice

Continue to give what I can to friends and family to help strengthen those relationships.

I use the strength i have in me everyday to get up every morning and continue on with life, even when I can't see the light.

Through all rough patches I have survived, I thing that is a strength for me


Are there ways in which I could make better use of my resources?

I tend to forget that I have these qualities and focus on the negative parts of my life, I could try to remember every morning that I do have these qualities and that they make up who i am and use them to better my daily attitude.

So that is the first two lessons wow that was hard especially the pre lesson, I wrote, cried, rewrote and finally just kept what i had.... I really had to take a look into myself, really dig, for me I don't see myself and to find things I see are strengths was really hard but this is all about learning, finding and loving yourself so I guess I am on the right road, hope you keep with me on my journey.... Tomorrow lesson 3

Looking in the Mirrior......

Life's choices can become pretty hard at some points in life you can look right in front of you and believe you aren't the person you use to be or this person you have become, you can look yourself straight in the mirror and not even recognize the person looking back at you. I looked in the mirror staring at my own reflection I realized that somehow down the road I became someone I don't even know anymore and more then anything I want to know her!! I have more then once looked in this mirror each time seeing someone different through out the years, more then once I have asked who is this women, who do I want to be, why are you broken, why do you let these tears fall down your face and create this pain reflecting here and now tonight I look in this mirror and this time not with tears falling but with this feeling of loss, of soul that has been wrecked and broken and found a deep and emotional need to find my soul again. I have told myself to pull it together more then once over the years, the walls seem weak within you but find the will to build the wall stronger, sturdier and funny thing is I always have but I have not ever built them strong enough to not follow the same mistakes twice... It amazes me the people you find standing next to you through your tough times but what amazes me even more is the ones you thought would stay and now are the ones gone like the wind and sometimes the only person to help you stand is you and you alone. I wrote this tonight as I looked into the mirror trying to find what I see....

I looked into your eyes,
I saw your soul
felt your feelings,
was willing to hold your hand
walk into the future with you,
with no expectations or judgment.
Just hand in hand
In to our future.

I thought of this tonight when I looked at myself , wondering where the women inside me is and I thought how badly i have felt those words, and how I had applied them even to the point of losing myself in more then one relationship... And I realized that now I need to mean them with myself. I can mean these words within myself, because I do see into my own soul and feel every feeling and what better way to give me power to rebuild myself but to walk hand in hand with my heart and soul rebuilding my foundation that made me an amazing person I am and the more amazing one I want to become. I know I am someone to love, a friend to value, an opinion to respect, I know that I deserve to respect myself and know that I am someone that can effect life, help people, create and cherish relationships and I have so much love to give, to friends, family, my children and one day a life partner. As I look in this mirror, I stand here and realize that I should not be ashamed or embarrassed about my past roads traveled but to wear my mistakes and accomplishments like badges of honor, each one one surviving hand in hand through my life to bring me to the woman I want to be. We are sometimes blind in love, we don't see the whole picture or realize what is right in front of us or what we are losing. How is it that our hearts can be so blind and our minds shut down so easily? We all push through life to get to our next moment not realizing each one we are in are ones to be savored, cherished and to learn from, each moment creates a piece of who we are and who we are becoming another when they are all gone we look back and think I wish I could have done this or I wish I would have tried harder to do that. Starting today, I am really going to try to savor every moment, learn from every minute of the day, soak it all up, take it all in, give life my all and form the women I want to be instead of living in the fairytale of what I want in my future or drowning in my past, wishing for what i had and hoping for what has not yet occurred. I will live here in the present working on me, for now I am alone or am I cause really the "thing to remember is if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too" "So now, alone or not, I have got to walk ahead." proudly, with courage and strength and become someone I am proud of looking at everyday and someone who one day will be rememberd for the love she gave on this earth.

2008 to 2009....Stand Still to One foot in Front of the other!!!

2009 is here, already counting its days till the next new year! Each minute ticks by and each moment flashes by with a blink of your eye. We start our new year with a kiss of someone you love (hopefully) and of course resolutions, our promises to ourselves and our loved ones, a run down of items on a to do list of things you want to work on or accomplish. You look at where you have been and where you want to go and your flooded with all these expectations that your mind and heart holds for your future. Some of us are satisfied with how our life is we just want to add some exercise days or spend more time playing games with our children, some of us have a list of what to do's and where to go's, some of us hold pain and hope to release and some of us are all the above.... I am a all of above kind of girl. It took me a couple days to write after the New Year rang in, maybe because god keeps testing my strength and my heart and he has tested again just days before our new year hit, he keeps sending this women back into my life, and I keep thinking that I am the one to save or love her, I keep looking over my shoulder every time she leaves again waiting to see some sign that I am suppose to stand still, that I am suppose to understand a little more or encourage her life, say or do more to show that I love her and am a support group for her and I did that alot in 2008, and of course with my ability to text and plunge myself into the depths of silence with each word I text her hoping and holding on to a vision that if I had my feet planted right there where I was I thought she would one day catch up to me that she would catch up and love me in return. I thought if I put my life on hold long enough that I would be a sign for her to come, because how deep is love that stands still even when she's moving on, living good or bad she kept living and I did not, I lied to my friends and family, stayed home countless weekends by myself in the dark with ice cream and love movies, I stopped living, What kind of love holds on like that? A crazy one, one that leaves you looking for signs of what to do and looking for a life that will never come...
We all look for signs, big flashing neon signs saying things like "This is the right road", "go here", "Let this one go" or "Hey Stupid What are you doing". But unfortunately these signs rarely exist... of course if you know me, i have this crazy, somewhat insane belief in signs, faith, serendipity, life's meant to be's Hmmm.... The signs didn't show me the roads I thought in 2008, and as i look back there are things I would wish on every star in the sky to go back and change but I guess my life has a bigger plan then what I saw, I have many things to be thankful for. As I sat there on New Years day waiting for the minutes to countdown, my aunt asked me if this was it for me & my Az, and I looked at her and even as I said it, that "it had been off and on and that I can't make her love me and I am sure it is over for her because even in the last couple days where I had let her back in and she still says the same words but continues the same actions, I hoped in that moment that I would be wrong but as we counted down to Az New Year and then Cali New Year the phone was silent, no text, no call and I knew in My heart, my soul that I had to give up this stand still, make a move forward. So I grabbed my kids, hugged and kissed them embrace the people who loved me there in that room... I have to take a step forward, stop writing about how I know what I need to do but actually do it, she will not come, she will not commit, she will not rise above the life she has created to start a new one, not with me anyway and my self inflicted pain of believing this stand still plan will that I have been doing will some how work out has now fully blown up like a firecracker on the stroke of midnight. In these last few days, I will admit I have text her, and I guess to only prove to myself no matter how much I say, how much I give or cry the continuing silence from her of course will be all I will ever get and I realized every time I pressed sent how horrible I felt, how much pain I caused myself, waiting for someone that will never respond, I created more pain then not texting at all. I know her memory will haunt me because somehow I cannot shake her from my soul and I will miss her because she is so much more then a memory to me but lord this pain has got to find a way to heal...

So for 2009, I hope to let go of my pain leaving it in 2008, Learn to love myself, knowing that the greatest gift I could give myself is to know that I am worth so much more then what I was giving myself by stand still, living in the dream I had created. I want to embrace my inner and outer beauty, knowing within myself that I am worth loving, cherishing and fighting for. I will search within myself for my inner peace with this and take one foot in front of the other and say only this... and maybe she will read it.

Az, No one will ever understand our love nor do I need them too, or why I held on as long as I have but I see the most beautiful,smart, amazing, loving parts of the person within your soul and even now as I have to set myself free from being the one to share that with you my soul smiles and aches at the same time because you are so much more then you give yourself credit for. I know that you are worth every moment I stood still waiting for you. I know in my heart every moment was worth it, that every time I smiled looking at you sing, that every time my heart sank every time I had to leave and every night I thank god when I fell asleep in your arms... I knew that every hard time was worth those moments when we were close. I believe in my heart that you will find your way, that you will work it out and every moment in my life I will be sending you my love, my support and hope that you have all that you deserve. I forgive you for the pain, and thank you for all the joy. Love is all about living and I lived more with you then I had for some time and I will never be able to thank you for that, I hope someday I will feel that again. I will be letting go from here but know that I will be with you every step of the way and that I hold no regret or anger towards us or you. I do hope that with every step you take in life that you look upon our memories and it fills your heart with some type of joy and some kind of love, enough to keep you moving forward to strengthen your soul to love again.

Goodbye 2008