17....

So I spoke to my father today. I was so nervous but completely filled with joy to find out nothing was really as it seemed all these years. I have found that I have a brother, and a niece and I am so excited about the prospect of building a new relationship with all of them. Its amazing how you can see things thru only one prospective for so long and in an instant something that seem so permanent in your life changes and makes a new impression on the road you set ahead. For as long as I can remember I thought this day would never come, but here it is. I am thankful for having an amazing dad for as long as I did and he will always be just that in my heart but feel so thankful that my father has found his way back to me(or maybe that I dragged him back with my email lol) either way he is here and willing to be apart of my life. So 17 in my list is crossed off Call my father.

17. Call my Father

Wishing on a star.....

You can wish all you want upon the first star you see at night but it doesn't mean that those wishes will come true, but it sure does make you appreciate the ones that do! I write to you tonight to remind you of each precious moment with your family and friends. That life is too short to let words go unsaid, for hearts to be cold and alone or to bury yourself in unfinished business. The statement that you will miss the moments you take for granted are all to true for me tonight. I wish tonight that I embrace every moment, every adventure I encounter with my kids, friends, family and loved ones. I hope you do too!

Can I add a 33??????

Today, I did something scary and crazy, I thought why not look up my real father on facebook, thinking there is no way that he would be on it. So surprise surprise he is! In major shock and to say honestly maybe a little light headed effecting my ability to thinking normally I emailed a woman on there that I thought might be his sister. I haven't' talked to anyone from that side of my family (if that's the right word) since I was 18. The woman that I thought was his sister, is his cousins wife, She informed me that my father, grandma and extended family are all doing quite well and that there is a large amount of them. However, while she was updating me on the status of this family, she never once asked me who i was. So I politely thanked her for the update and said I am very excited for how well everyone is doing, but did she know who i was? No answer.... Now I am stuck, I am sure I have brothers, sisters, maybe even nieces and nephews that I don't know, a father, grandmother, aunts and uncles and a large amount of cousins, yet the last time I tried to talk to my father my grandmother told me he wanted nothing to do with me, he had moved on and he was happy. Do I take that chance to be rejected or do I walk away knowing they are all happy and healthy? What do i do?

33. Find biological Father

So......

So......

Time with Family really gets you to thinking, Life is so precious , every moment is a memory your creating for yourself, your friends, your children all just logging in that day to the memory bank and it becomes something you look back on when your a little older or in a spark of a conversation. This year as I was holding my sons hand and watching the fireworks in the sky, I thought about how quickly life has changed from last year to this year, in and out of love, lost love, children aged another year, I aged another year, graduations, babies, death, holidays, so much has happen and so much has just slipped through my fingers, fallen in the cracks per say. I thought about how badly I hold one person dear to my heart, how somewhere out there that person is watching different set of fireworks, looking at the same sky and for life of me I have no idea if I cross that persons mind. Lost in that moment my sons squeezes my hand and he pulls me down and says "Mommy you know what is the best about this day?" I said "What baby, what is so good about this day?" He pulled me closer and said " You" and he gave me a big kiss. He in that very second reminded me that where I was is just as important as where I dream to be, that whatever mistakes I made, whatever has kept me away from where my heart longs to be gave me him, Shelby and Kayla, I remembered that Independence is something I have longed for my whole life, to be able to feel comfortable just being me, that someone will see me for who am i am and know that they wouldn't change anything about my life because my three kids are what make ups so much of me. I remember that now is the time to find my strength, to recompose the elements that are me, achieve my goals and love me whether my soul mate is here or not. This weekend, this independence day I realized that this is the start of creating a stronger me, with more self worth and determination in this life then ever presented before. I hope that where ever Arizona may be, whatever she maybe doing, I hope she has found happiness, strength and knows that I wish her only the best.

I start my list tomorrow I hope to start knocking one off every week.... Wish me luck! :)

hmmm......

Its all but amazing to me when my mind starts wondering to all the life lessons I have accomplished in my 32 years of life!!! Yeah I said it 32, Oh I know readers its hard to believe that this hot mess is 32 but she is.. lol OK come now seriously 32 years and I feel like I am still trying to figure out what I was meant to do. I always thought growing up the my destiny was to be a mother and a wife and maybe to a certain extent that is apart of my destiny, However it appears that I didn't do so hot on the wife part and the mom part well I am still working on that hoping that I don't screw that up to. Oh I know that really my divorce was what people would typically call not my fault but I am sure I played more then my roll making it down that bumpy road. I accept my part in that road, as I do every failed attempt so far at love (Arizona), and I have so many regrets, so many things I wish I can go back and undo but I can't. So tonight as I sit here writing to what maybe my one or two readers who glimpse at this after I email the reminder that I have updated it, I say this what are we to do with our lives for those of us that don't know that is, the rest of you who have got it all figured out please fill me in with your wisdom. Believe me I enjoy being the mother of three beautiful kids, I love my job (for the most part), I love my art(if that's what you call it) but still i feel like I have a whole bunch of half completed projects and not enough accomplishments. So what i say to you my fearless readers is this I want to start a list 32 things to do before I am 33 which is really about 9 months, maybe these things will help me find some completion in parts of my life while the broken parts of me start to heal. So this is what I have come up with:

1. Photograph landscape
2. Go to Hollywood.
3. Meet my goal weight
4. Karaoke
5. Paint
6. Sign up for a creative writing class
7. Dance under the moon.
8. Go to an Art Show
9. Take my kids to the snow
10. Go see my mom.
11. Drive and don't look back
12. Skinny dip
13. Do something scary
14. Go on a blind date
15. Do Family Photos
16. Start applying money in my savings account
17. Call my Father
18. Go see the Grand Canyon
19. Go on vacation with the kids
20. Let go of what doesn’t want to be in my life
21. Build a sand castle with my kids
22. Send My mom pictures of my kids
23. Forgive
24. Start Family night with the kids
25. Organize my closet
26. Have my palm read
27. Use my treadmill
28. Learn to play an instrument
29. Create art
30. Start my book
31. be impulsive
32. Fall in love with life again


Okay there it is wish me luck! I will keep you updated as I start to cross them off, and I will start blogging more often.

Life silly signs

Its all to much when you turn on the radio and you hear "the song" or when you turn on the tv to find a movie that you once shared!!! These things that I believe are gods little signs are marking me unbelievably today... Everywhere I look sign and after sign! So what I have decided is that maybe they are signs testing my endurance??? I am weak for sure... I let the signs get to me and text the past that has let go of me, to no suprise there was no response... Another sign!!!! Hmmm life's silly signs! Today I am accepting what I cannot change, praying for what can, loving my children and acknowledging wht I have control over!!! Today I believe in me and the almighty power of better signs :) come serendipidty work your magic ;) :)

Its all to familar....

It's all to familiar this moment I am in once again, just when you think you have kicked all that life has thrown at you god decides you can handle a little more. I am alone, again... rotting in the choice I made and some that were made for me. My belief in the fight for love and the idea that someone can touch you so deeply and you touch them so deeply to fight for anything to be together has failed me yet again. I have to close down this 10 year old fantasy that love exists the same as in movies or novels and realize that love these days is all to tough to find. I am alone and for once I truly feel OK with it. I know I gave my all and although My heart aches sometimes for the what ifs and the how can's but reality is the people I left behind in the last few months just needed something more then I can give. What does that say about me? Am I strong for acknowledging my weakness and letting go, am I weak for not trying harder or giving more. Will I live to regret some moments and the words I chose to use in those moments or will i accept them and move forward with pride and dignity. Love is such a foolish game so many boundaries and expectations, you don't just fall in love anymore with candles and bubble baths, romantic walks on the beaches and undying commitment. As much as i dream i can't wait for that fairytale to come true anymore, cause reality is it probably just won't. God is testing me, as he has so many times in the past, I don't know how strong he thinks I am or what his plan is for my future but I hope he intends on showing me soon. I pray that i have the strength to hold and the desire to grow waiting for his path to appear.
I have come to the reality that until my kids are grown i very well maybe alone. I have to accept myself who I am and what i have to offer. I think the best deserves to go to my children as I do every day. I hope that in the process that just because I don't have love in my life that I can still show them that love is worthy and does exist, that I can encourage them into loving relationships and be the mother they look up to an run too in hard times and good. I hope that alone I can bring them all they need and want and raise them to good adults. I worry sometimes that i get lost inside my own heart in mind that i lose sight of what's right in front of me the three things god has given me that are consistent and unwavering. They love me unconditionally and with no boundaries. Good and bad they take my with no doubts or regrets. To them I am a women who is worthy of loving and what else matters but that. ONE day, someone will look at me and see the same thing, a women worthy of loving, fighting for, caring, sharing, and living life for and with. One day someone will take me with the "baggage" I have now and from my past and say their isn't anything that keep me from loving you, nothing we can't conquer and nothing I won't stand by your side to get thru... One day......
Here I am again in this room in the dark all to familiar with the emotions in my soul searching for the light at the end of this narrow hall and saying in my head please god One Day.....