Its all to familar....

It's all to familiar this moment I am in once again, just when you think you have kicked all that life has thrown at you god decides you can handle a little more. I am alone, again... rotting in the choice I made and some that were made for me. My belief in the fight for love and the idea that someone can touch you so deeply and you touch them so deeply to fight for anything to be together has failed me yet again. I have to close down this 10 year old fantasy that love exists the same as in movies or novels and realize that love these days is all to tough to find. I am alone and for once I truly feel OK with it. I know I gave my all and although My heart aches sometimes for the what ifs and the how can's but reality is the people I left behind in the last few months just needed something more then I can give. What does that say about me? Am I strong for acknowledging my weakness and letting go, am I weak for not trying harder or giving more. Will I live to regret some moments and the words I chose to use in those moments or will i accept them and move forward with pride and dignity. Love is such a foolish game so many boundaries and expectations, you don't just fall in love anymore with candles and bubble baths, romantic walks on the beaches and undying commitment. As much as i dream i can't wait for that fairytale to come true anymore, cause reality is it probably just won't. God is testing me, as he has so many times in the past, I don't know how strong he thinks I am or what his plan is for my future but I hope he intends on showing me soon. I pray that i have the strength to hold and the desire to grow waiting for his path to appear.
I have come to the reality that until my kids are grown i very well maybe alone. I have to accept myself who I am and what i have to offer. I think the best deserves to go to my children as I do every day. I hope that in the process that just because I don't have love in my life that I can still show them that love is worthy and does exist, that I can encourage them into loving relationships and be the mother they look up to an run too in hard times and good. I hope that alone I can bring them all they need and want and raise them to good adults. I worry sometimes that i get lost inside my own heart in mind that i lose sight of what's right in front of me the three things god has given me that are consistent and unwavering. They love me unconditionally and with no boundaries. Good and bad they take my with no doubts or regrets. To them I am a women who is worthy of loving and what else matters but that. ONE day, someone will look at me and see the same thing, a women worthy of loving, fighting for, caring, sharing, and living life for and with. One day someone will take me with the "baggage" I have now and from my past and say their isn't anything that keep me from loving you, nothing we can't conquer and nothing I won't stand by your side to get thru... One day......
Here I am again in this room in the dark all to familiar with the emotions in my soul searching for the light at the end of this narrow hall and saying in my head please god One Day.....