2008 to 2009....Stand Still to One foot in Front of the other!!!

2009 is here, already counting its days till the next new year! Each minute ticks by and each moment flashes by with a blink of your eye. We start our new year with a kiss of someone you love (hopefully) and of course resolutions, our promises to ourselves and our loved ones, a run down of items on a to do list of things you want to work on or accomplish. You look at where you have been and where you want to go and your flooded with all these expectations that your mind and heart holds for your future. Some of us are satisfied with how our life is we just want to add some exercise days or spend more time playing games with our children, some of us have a list of what to do's and where to go's, some of us hold pain and hope to release and some of us are all the above.... I am a all of above kind of girl. It took me a couple days to write after the New Year rang in, maybe because god keeps testing my strength and my heart and he has tested again just days before our new year hit, he keeps sending this women back into my life, and I keep thinking that I am the one to save or love her, I keep looking over my shoulder every time she leaves again waiting to see some sign that I am suppose to stand still, that I am suppose to understand a little more or encourage her life, say or do more to show that I love her and am a support group for her and I did that alot in 2008, and of course with my ability to text and plunge myself into the depths of silence with each word I text her hoping and holding on to a vision that if I had my feet planted right there where I was I thought she would one day catch up to me that she would catch up and love me in return. I thought if I put my life on hold long enough that I would be a sign for her to come, because how deep is love that stands still even when she's moving on, living good or bad she kept living and I did not, I lied to my friends and family, stayed home countless weekends by myself in the dark with ice cream and love movies, I stopped living, What kind of love holds on like that? A crazy one, one that leaves you looking for signs of what to do and looking for a life that will never come...
We all look for signs, big flashing neon signs saying things like "This is the right road", "go here", "Let this one go" or "Hey Stupid What are you doing". But unfortunately these signs rarely exist... of course if you know me, i have this crazy, somewhat insane belief in signs, faith, serendipity, life's meant to be's Hmmm.... The signs didn't show me the roads I thought in 2008, and as i look back there are things I would wish on every star in the sky to go back and change but I guess my life has a bigger plan then what I saw, I have many things to be thankful for. As I sat there on New Years day waiting for the minutes to countdown, my aunt asked me if this was it for me & my Az, and I looked at her and even as I said it, that "it had been off and on and that I can't make her love me and I am sure it is over for her because even in the last couple days where I had let her back in and she still says the same words but continues the same actions, I hoped in that moment that I would be wrong but as we counted down to Az New Year and then Cali New Year the phone was silent, no text, no call and I knew in My heart, my soul that I had to give up this stand still, make a move forward. So I grabbed my kids, hugged and kissed them embrace the people who loved me there in that room... I have to take a step forward, stop writing about how I know what I need to do but actually do it, she will not come, she will not commit, she will not rise above the life she has created to start a new one, not with me anyway and my self inflicted pain of believing this stand still plan will that I have been doing will some how work out has now fully blown up like a firecracker on the stroke of midnight. In these last few days, I will admit I have text her, and I guess to only prove to myself no matter how much I say, how much I give or cry the continuing silence from her of course will be all I will ever get and I realized every time I pressed sent how horrible I felt, how much pain I caused myself, waiting for someone that will never respond, I created more pain then not texting at all. I know her memory will haunt me because somehow I cannot shake her from my soul and I will miss her because she is so much more then a memory to me but lord this pain has got to find a way to heal...

So for 2009, I hope to let go of my pain leaving it in 2008, Learn to love myself, knowing that the greatest gift I could give myself is to know that I am worth so much more then what I was giving myself by stand still, living in the dream I had created. I want to embrace my inner and outer beauty, knowing within myself that I am worth loving, cherishing and fighting for. I will search within myself for my inner peace with this and take one foot in front of the other and say only this... and maybe she will read it.

Az, No one will ever understand our love nor do I need them too, or why I held on as long as I have but I see the most beautiful,smart, amazing, loving parts of the person within your soul and even now as I have to set myself free from being the one to share that with you my soul smiles and aches at the same time because you are so much more then you give yourself credit for. I know that you are worth every moment I stood still waiting for you. I know in my heart every moment was worth it, that every time I smiled looking at you sing, that every time my heart sank every time I had to leave and every night I thank god when I fell asleep in your arms... I knew that every hard time was worth those moments when we were close. I believe in my heart that you will find your way, that you will work it out and every moment in my life I will be sending you my love, my support and hope that you have all that you deserve. I forgive you for the pain, and thank you for all the joy. Love is all about living and I lived more with you then I had for some time and I will never be able to thank you for that, I hope someday I will feel that again. I will be letting go from here but know that I will be with you every step of the way and that I hold no regret or anger towards us or you. I do hope that with every step you take in life that you look upon our memories and it fills your heart with some type of joy and some kind of love, enough to keep you moving forward to strengthen your soul to love again.

Goodbye 2008