Back on track

K I am back on track, Christmas got me in a frenzy, with wrap this, hangn' out here and two photo shoots this weekend... The kids had a great Christmas got so much stuff that sometimes I wonder why "Santa" brings so much lol!!! To see their happy faces Christmas morning though was worth all the rearranging to put stuff away... not that I have done that yet but I will get there... hopefully :)!!!! So Saturday I did a shoot of the most incredible family I will add some shots below, They were so cute and really cooperative with me in ice cold water and beach winds lol... but I hope they think it was worth it.... And then today did another photo shoot for a friend and her daughter and wow is all I can say what beautiful ladies!!!! I will show you some shots of my signature poses lol....

So here are some shots from Christmas......

The girls and their fav present from mom & Dad.....

Okay so I know I have a tendency to only show pics of me and Ethan.... hmmmm I wonder why cause I usually get pics like this with the girls lol!!!

Ethan & Mommy!!!!
All of the kids in my family doing a Christmas Performance so so so cute!!!

Aunt Steph & Uncle Nick...

Uncle Donnie and Aunt T.......

Uncle Donnie and me....

Ethan and Sydney... BFF'S.......

and last but not least Shelby's self portrait!!!!


So on the sentimental side cause you know I like to give a little of my soul on this page.... I can say this weekend has been so busy, I haven't had much time to think of writing or lost loves or even doing the laundry, but their was this one moment when I was doing the family shots down at hotel Del (where I had only been there one other time with the past) and I thought I am standing here looking at these amazing lights and my heart sank... I looked around and thought to myself how many lost moments we had, so many what if's and could has.... I smiled cause even though she wasn't there with me, I made the memory in my head and smiled at the thought that in that moment she was on my mind and that connected me to many amazing memories, incredible feelings and a love that doesn't die just cause she left!!! I walked away from that moment not sad or hurt, but with a sense of accomplishment. I could have walked way depressed and sad but I lifted my head acknowledged the moment within my heart. My past can haunt me, it does everyday, from Carri to Dylan...but our choices are choices we made them and we can't take them back, I can't go into the past and change moments to alter my future, I can't stop those people from leaving or their feelings for me but I can forgive and use that to build strength.... because those moments lead me where I am today and will lead me to the road that will find me happiness!!!!


OH ..... P.S. Some of my signature shots from this weekend...

This is the family collage I did for Erin's adorable family....(I did this in black and white too it looked so awesome!!!)

So on this pose I totally wanted to do it but didn't want to ask Matt if he was comfortable with it so minutes before we were wrapping up he said hey would you mind doing one with her on my back.... its one of my fav's!!!!
of course a bottom shot my favorite... with heart in the sand!!!

These are from Jen's shoot today, I haven't edited all of them yet but these are some of my bottom shots that I just love.....



These families reminded me that love does exist in all sorts of ways, that families aren't just made up of the traditional mom & dad and kids but a family comes in so many different ways and has this amazing power to touch your soul..... nite! :)

Christmas is almost here....

Today, the kids and I wrapped presents for nearly four hours!!! I would wrap, Shelby would write name tags and help tap and Ethan was in charge of bows. It was so cute to see them working together to get the gifts under the tree... We have so much family that with all those gifts under the tree it looks like Santa already hit our house!!! lol... We wrapped them all, and as I looked at the tree I felt a sense of happiness me and my little elves had created this beautiful tree and all its gifts, there was no fighting or my mind wondering just me and my babies sharing something special.

When we were done, I went on the hunt for the video camera... lol which wasn't easy considering it never seems to be where I left it. Anyways, Ethan's school performance is tomorrow and I want to record it because he's so cute and because his dad is in Arizona working and is gonna miss it. So of course it needed to be charged, and I had to find a tape with room and as got it all setup for the morning me and the kids decided to watch one of the tapes. It just happen to be the year Dylan I split up the kids were so little and so cute... But what caught my heart most is this one part it was Christmas, we were decorating our first tree in our new apartment, Shelby must have been maybe 4, she was getting ready to put on an ornament that was her daddy's and she said to the camera " I want to put this on my tree because it was my dad's and we don't live together anymore and I want to look at it and remember him everyday" Oh my gosh break my heart!!! Kids are so real they just say what's on their mind with no filter or hesitation. It must have been so hard on them.
Besides that little heartbreaking moment, we walked down the year of baseball parties, heart light performances, peace builder awards and our first camping trip. OH and Kayla singing in the talent show so freaking cute!!! Wow how the kids have grown, what it really made me think is how much I have missed. I really haven't done any video tapping or even documenting in their books since Dylan and I have separated but what I realized is that I really want them to have something to look back on remembering their childhood and how much I truly love them and our family. So New Years resolution document more of my kids, start doing their books again and treasure every moment with them. They are my future and my heart!!!

How do you.....

How do you look to the future, without looking in the past.... A question I am sure we all have asked ourselves at one point or another but the reality is can our past often haunts us, and sometimes we just pull it from the grave we buried it in at one time and beg for it to haunt us lol. For me my past has been hand in hand with every step that has created my future. I have had some serious struggles that have brought me strength in times of weakness I find myself looking at moments that were much worse and pulling strength to move forward through whatever is making me feel weak. How is it somethings in your past can bring you strength and some can bring you to your knees....
I find myself after finally realizing that I have to let go of my past and wondering...
A. how and the heck am I going to let go of something that still holds so much of my heart and
B. how and the heck did my past let go so easily of me...

Which brings me to how do people who say they love you and then just wake up one morning and walk out on you, cheat on you, tell you its not working it out or not even say anything at all , one moment in your life and the next gone? How do people you have created memories with, children, homes, life just be gone in a blink of an eye? How can those people bury it and not look back and others feel it so deeply it affects they're ability to breath in and out everyday. I know every persons make up is different, some people are emotional, some angry, some no emotion, always happy, creative well you get the point. I guess I am just one that feels like every person in my life has played a role and is so hard for me to let go, the relationships effect me so deeply, that even years later it still crosses my mind, makes me wonder, what if? My best friend told me to day "that you will always have a place in your heart for the person you love and can't have but sometimes you have some how find a way to accept that and realize that now it become just a memory" . When she said this to me it just kind of hit home, and she is right any of us who love someone can hold on, we pick up the phone and text them, call them, write them and still love them, even when you lose someone to death you hold on and hold on but really you can only hold on to a memory because if they can't or wont hold on back your really just fighting with yourself for the memories you already have. After a while when life doesn't connect its dots, you have to just take it in and accept the moments you had, and turn them into memories you will cherish, say whatever last words you need to and wolah your letting go. It might not be buried or silent and maybe you went kicking all the way down the road to letting go but the moment you realize that the dots just aren't connecting anymore you do, you let go but amazingly you will be at the end of the road and find the strength to start a new one. She made me realize this today:
For sometime my dots have not been connecting and i have been holding on to someone who clearly has not been holding on back and I have had really amazing moments when that person did, but its time to realize that I have to let go and hold onto only the memories. I did that today, I reached out one final time with no grasp back and I let go, I feel okay with it, I am filing my memories, sending my love and saying goodbye and I don't feel bad or like I have done something wrong but know that I am making a huge step towards my future. I know that I cannot make that picture that envisioned with this person because that took two people who are committed but by myself I can envision a new picture and create it by myself!!!! Shortly after I made this choice I got some amazing news that the pictures I posted yesterday and the new ones of baby Cayden are really getting some positive feedback, I am already getting people asking for my information and wanted to schedule shoots, So maybe the one thing that has stuck through my past to my future for as long as I can remember will be my new adventure LMCI PHOTOGRAPHY :)!!!


Horoscope today :
All of your hard work and planning is finally starting to pay off for you in some major ways! But you need to keep going. Go the distance, and don't take your eye of the ball or slow your roll. You are so close to what you want right now that if you take even the slightest break from the action you could be making a huge mistake. You can take a nap some other day. Right now, you'll be having way too much fun to want to stop what you're doing anyway.

I think its a sign!!!! I so believe in signs!!

I am getting better....

Tonight instead of focusing on this ache in my chest, I decided to focus on my photography. I promised I would share some of my work, so here it is.... Let me first say this I am usually a glass half full kinda girl but lately I have been seeing it empty. Working on these photographs tonight made me realize how much I love some of the things I have right in front me my kids, my camera and the amazing people who let me share their moments.... I am ready to find happiness in what's in front of me and stop looking so much at what's behind me. I know in my heart that I can find happiness again and I know it will start here with find happiness within myself....

A few from My Aunt Melissa & Uncle Mikes family shoot......








Sarah's Wedding, What a beautiful day and amazing couple!!!!


And finally baby Cayden.... So precious!!!
















I hope you all enjoy them as much as I have tonight... Let me know what you think?

Midnight Blues....

Midnight blues... Okay not really midnight but tenish blues just didn't sound right!!!! After a bottle of Champagne and a good night with my best friend you would think the only thing I could feel is good right... but as I drove home tonight my mood began to fade from energetic and funny to down right depressed. I drove in to my parking a lot that I knew again held the empty spot that I hoped one day would be surprisingly filled with a familiar car, took the keys out of the ignition and put them into the door to walk into the silent empty home, no one to come home to, no one to welcome me home, or say how much they missed me and if for by some chance I ignored all that as I walked up the stairs to change my clothes and climb into the empty bed that once held the arms that made me feel complete, I knew I couldn't ignore that. So I did the only thing I felt I could, with determination not to contact her of course... I pulled out my laptop to write to you all. I don't know how many times a day I here are you dating anyone, have you found that special someone, whats wrong with you Lisa you seem like such a nice girl? Then I hear well you have time, your special someone is just out there looking for you, you have plenty of time! What scares me is that who knows how much time I have, I know that everyday goes by and my heart is empty, that each moment could be my last and what scares me is that I could never feel in my whole life the way I did when I was with her.... What if that was it! What if the fact that I wasn't good enough for her, lost the only chance at true happiness? What if I didn't try hard enough or didn't give enough of myself, what did i do wrong? Why is it that people give up on people, why do we just quit and think this is too hard. Why is it we give and give and give and then just wake up one day and the person you gave it all to decides that you aren't enough? I hate this bed and its memories, these walls and their stories. I hate that in every room I can see her and I hate even more that it doesn't effect her the same way. If I could shut off this mind and just sleep I would but even with this champagne in my system and being completely exhausted all I can do is yearn for the unreachable. I know in my heart its over, I know not to be bitter and to cherish our memories but the pain is bold and the heart is aching for her arms to be around me, her breath on my neck, her smell in my room and her love all around me. As I let these feelings overwhelm me and a tear runs down my face, I know that my heart has been down this road so many times I can see it without my eyes being open and yet it doesn't seem any easier. I want to only know what love is without hurting, to be able to give myself completely and know someone is taking it and wanting to give that back. But how do you let that vision develop when all you see is one person as the one for you. God please help me find strength to let go, to know she is where she needs and wants to be and that by letting go of this pain, I am not letting go of her but setting myself free to heal and love again. Where ever she is please protect her, give her all the love and support she needs, bring her happiness and companionship and someone who she can love and accept into her heart.

The words from a woman who is inspired.....

Can in one moment your life change so quickly.. Can you one minute feel like life is so hard and its insanely hard to breath in and out... and then with a blink of an eye, a moment of clarity and wow you have found a spark within you that makes you want to capture a picture, write a story, smile again! I am a woman who feels, I feel every emotion, every inch of pain and every inch of happiness. I wish from time to time that I could be that person who can make choice and never look back not show an emotion or shed a tear over anything that would make them look weak or helpless but then you wouldn't have these ramblings from an emotional women to read everyday!!! Love, life, kids, jobs, friends, families they all effect us everyday, sometimes in good ways, sometimes in bad. Sometimes in my life I let one experience hold me down and sometimes it takes me a long time to recover. I guess that comes from being so emotional and probably from being my mother's daughter, my mom loved a man so deeply that even when her life started over she never really let go, loving him without letting go and loving herself left her in a place where I don't think even she knew who she was, she was lost. Now so many years later she has finally let go and learned that to open one door she had to let the other door go....but so many years were lost to that pain. I refuse to get lost in this love, to hope, to hold on, to stop living for someone who forgets that i even exist. I know from those experience we all can pull inspiration, desire, need and want to rise above one accomplishment or one crumbled moment to prove to ourselves or the people we love that we can rise again even more amazing. What's that saying "from the rubble of a broken dream rises the strength, determination and courage to reach for the next one". Today I say I am rising, stronger more inspired then I have ever been.... I know that from the pain of a broken heart, I can pull in that emotion and create inspiration, determination to improve me, I will not let this defeat me when the person who effects me no longer shows the emotions I feel right now I have no choice but to start new to rise above this pain.. to find something that inspires me. I am breaking through and trying something different I will not stay in this house waiting for her to rescue me, I will not stop living in hope that she will want to come live with me, I will start new, try new things, let myself be inspired to live again in this life and not feel guiltily!!!

So things that inspire me....

My photography and my babies....



Creative pictures with couples and their bottom halves.....










Capturing a woman in love....Sayings that say it all
Road signs with meanings other then traffic......

Creative pics made out of household items......

and love drawn on the beach....
Which all comes back to photography......
and my writing.......

With all this inspiration how could a girl not be able to pull herself up from the wreckage of a broken heart and walk down the broken road sharing pictures, words and her heart.... I mean at this point I really just have to breath in and out and be this inspired woman.... with a camera, and my laptop I will rebuild myself for me, my kids and the hope of being someone amazing!