Life's choices can become pretty hard at some points in life you can look right in front of you and believe you aren't the person you use to be or this person you have become, you can look yourself straight in the mirror and not even recognize the person looking back at you. I looked in the mirror staring at my own reflection I realized that somehow down the road I became someone I don't even know anymore and more then anything I want to know her!! I have more then once looked in this mirror each time seeing someone different through out the years, more then once I have asked who is this women, who do I want to be, why are you broken, why do you let these tears fall down your face and create this pain reflecting here and now tonight I look in this mirror and this time not with tears falling but with this feeling of loss, of soul that has been wrecked and broken and found a deep and emotional need to find my soul again. I have told myself to pull it together more then once over the years, the walls seem weak within you but find the will to build the wall stronger, sturdier and funny thing is I always have but I have not ever built them strong enough to not follow the same mistakes twice... It amazes me the people you find standing next to you through your tough times but what amazes me even more is the ones you thought would stay and now are the ones gone like the wind and sometimes the only person to help you stand is you and you alone. I wrote this tonight as I looked into the mirror trying to find what I see....
I saw your soul
felt your feelings,
was willing to hold your hand
walk into the future with you,
with no expectations or judgment.
Just hand in hand
In to our future.
I thought of this tonight when I looked at myself , wondering where the women inside me is and I thought how badly i have felt those words, and how I had applied them even to the point of losing myself in more then one relationship... And I realized that now I need to mean them with myself. I can mean these words within myself, because I do see into my own soul and feel every feeling and what better way to give me power to rebuild myself but to walk hand in hand with my heart and soul rebuilding my foundation that made me an amazing person I am and the more amazing one I want to become. I know I am someone to love, a friend to value, an opinion to respect, I know that I deserve to respect myself and know that I am someone that can effect life, help people, create and cherish relationships and I have so much love to give, to friends, family, my children and one day a life partner. As I look in this mirror, I stand here and realize that I should not be ashamed or embarrassed about my past roads traveled but to wear my mistakes and accomplishments like badges of honor, each one one surviving hand in hand through my life to bring me to the woman I want to be. We are sometimes blind in love, we don't see the whole picture or realize what is right in front of us or what we are losing. How is it that our hearts can be so blind and our minds shut down so easily? We all push through life to get to our next moment not realizing each one we are in are ones to be savored, cherished and to learn from, each moment creates a piece of who we are and who we are becoming another when they are all gone we look back and think I wish I could have done this or I wish I would have tried harder to do that. Starting today, I am really going to try to savor every moment, learn from every minute of the day, soak it all up, take it all in, give life my all and form the women I want to be instead of living in the fairytale of what I want in my future or drowning in my past, wishing for what i had and hoping for what has not yet occurred. I will live here in the present working on me, for now I am alone or am I cause really the "thing to remember is if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too" "So now, alone or not, I have got to walk ahead." proudly, with courage and strength and become someone I am proud of looking at everyday and someone who one day will be rememberd for the love she gave on this earth.
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